Hi.
I have depression. I'm 24, and for the past seven years, I haven't wanted to live. I'm trying to fight it somehow — traveling, picking up new hobbies, improving in old ones. I went through therapies and medications. But it doesn’t help. Nothing brings me joy.
My main account is red. In real life, I try to be cheerful, and only a few of my friends know about my depression, so I don’t want to write from that account. I have a good job, I have friends. From the outside, many would say I have a good life. Honestly, if I knew about someone else’s life with these characteristics but didn’t know about their depression, I would be envious myself.
So… I don’t think posting this will help, but I thought — what if writing here does something? After all, competitive programming is one of the main things in my life, so why not? Maybe this post won’t go unnoticed, and someone will share a similar story, ask me something, or give advice.
Thank you.
P.S. I'm not sure if this email is working, but if you want to send me something directly, you can give it a try: [email protected]. If I don't respond for a long time, you can also try direct messaging me here, on CF.
Believe me, we have a similar story. When I joined IIT Guwahati I was depressed because I was unable to get a better college. I worked really hard for the past 3 years but still ended up in Guwahati. But in the next 4 years, I learned many things, made many friends joined the coding community, and also got a good job. I feel bad for people who tend to lose their fight against depression. I like to cheer them up and help them. Because I was only 17 when I caught up with depression. I stopped talking to my parents or anyone else but slowly time healed me. Now I don't regret getting into Guwahati. God always has a plan for you. Sometimes u should just stop fighting and let it go.
Maybe we can go through and help you out.
Can we please connect? We can be good friends. We can chat constantly and you can guide me on how to improve my rating in codeforces. We can be good friends, and meanwhile, it might bring u out of depression. Please feel free to dm me ur WhatsApp number or send it to my Gmail. [email protected]
Thanks for the suggestion. I think all the advice I could give has already been written all over the internet. But you can try reaching out to me at [email protected].
Yes, I know I'm not the only one like this. Although, to be honest, doctors have told me way too often smth like "this pill helps 70% of people" — and when it didn’t work, I became more and more convinced that my case was somehow special.
No matter how bad your life gets, just know that Hell is much worse. Anyway, why don't you try to do $$$1$$$ new thing each day? They can be small things; it doesn't matter. After a week, you will be proud of the $$$7$$$ new things you did.
I don't believe in hell. Anyway, I don't have thoughts about ending my life (not because I don't what to, rather because I've already thought them all through)
I've tried doing many different new things. I don't feel any better after that.
Are you exercising enough? Personally, I've found that it is hard to have a bad day if you're going outside for at least $$$1$$$ hour/day minimum. Of course, if someone you know dies or your car's gas tank lights on fire, it is hard not to have a bad day, but going outside works in $$$99$$$% of cases. And don't just go out when it is dark out. The sunlight is important.
Also, it is very nice to just drive around sometimes. Think about it: can you remember a time when you were depressed while driving?
And also, just one more thing, it could be worth checking with a doctor if you are deficient in anything.
Not right now, but there were periods when I went to the gym two or three times a week for several months. It didn’t help — it was just frustrating.
I try to go for walks sometimes. But it's more out of desperation than because it actually helps.
Yeah, I’ve done several tests—the ones the doctors requested. Everything seems to be normal.
I'm assuming that the gym you went to is an inside gym. I think that the sun and the outside air are really important to whatever causes people to be happy. Running inside on a treadmill is just not the same as running outside under the sun. And imo, it is running and vigorous cardio (swimming, biking, hiking, rock climbing) that really help with depression, not weight lifting. Walking is okay, but it is not vigorous. Don't do biking, though, because no one likes those guys.
Basically, what I'm saying is that I think you should do some vigorous exercise for at least $$$30$$$ minutes $$$every\,\,day$$$, and then spend the other $$$30$$$ mins just walking around outside. Doing it sometimes might not be enough. That is my advice.
Yeah, you’re right — it was an indoor gym.
Physical activity has always irritated me. Somehow, I ended up with a bias that mental work is good, while physical work is bad.
I feel like running outside would be even worse for me than running on a treadmill at the gym. Don't know why exactly though.
But I'll think about what you said anyway. Thanks!
what on earth red coder have depression? I actually have a depression that no matter how hard I try I'll never become red coder. you are smart man bro don't be depressed
Actually, I think that being 'smart' in some way is what causes my depression. Fighting depression, as I see it, is often about self-deception — and it's not so easy to deceive a smart opponent.
Regarding hard efforts — yeah, I suppose some people find it easier, while others struggle more. I think that if you enjoy it, then it doesn’t really matter how fast you grow.
Don't know if it helps man, but emotions and so forth and more related towards perception than intelligence, and so what I've (personal experience and observations, I don't have any scientific to back this up) noticed is that smart people are usually just better at convincing themselves of their perception of the environment.
Maybe. I don't know exactly what to call it.
I understand you. And you have really got nice tries. And you really get much bravery to write it out. Developing new hobbies are good ways, but you should think of something that you love from heart. CP must be one. Find something you love just like CP. I recommend reading, especially psychology. Maybe you can cure yourself.
And you can seek help from psychology experts.
Hope you will something you love.
It doesn’t take much bravery to write this anonymously. Moreover, I have a bit of paranoia that someone might try to track me down. It feels like a pointless fear — I don’t know who would need to do that or why. But I don’t think 'bravery' is the right word for it.
I've tried many different things. There are some that don’t irritate me, like CP and several others. I try to do them more often, but even if I spend the whole day on such activities, I don’t feel like it was a good day.
This is the advice I once got from my very good friend. If you feel like you don't know how to get over your feelings, I strongly encourage you to see therapist. I used to have strong prejudice against them, seeing myself as superior in intelligence and not seeking advice about myself from other people. But I am sure that this should help you, as long as you find a good therapist. I really hope you try this out, you are not alone in this.
I went through therapies and medications. Maybe I just haven't found the right therapist. But I haven’t noticed any positive effects. Over roughly 50 sessions, I might have learned 2-3 theories about what could explain my illness, but I didn’t receive any effective advice on how to actually fix it.
What medications did u try? Do u still take something?
I don’t think that publishing a list of medications would lead to anything good. Right now, I’m taking one antidepressant that slightly reduces the amount of time I spend lying in bed wanting to cry. I also try new medications from time to time, though forcing myself to go to the doctor is getting harder and harder.